Music's Impact....

Its interesting how music can really convey your feelings.   I was driving home from work tonight and heard this song on the radio by Chicago...  It exemplifies how I'm feeling right now. 

You know our love was meant to be
The kind of love to last forever
And I want you here with me
From tonight until the end of time
You should know
Everywhere I go
Always on my mind
In my heart
In my soul
Baby

You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me saying
"No one needs you more than I need you"

And I know (And I know)
Yes I know that it's plain to see
So in love when we're together
Now I know (Now I know)
That I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time
You should know (Yes, you need to know )
Everywhere I go
You're always on my mind
You're in my heart
In my soul

You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me saying
"No one needs you more than I need you"
(No one needs you more than I)
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me saying
"No one needs you more than I need you"
(No one needs you more)
You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration

When you love somebody
'Til the end of time
When you love somebody
Always on my mind / No one needs you more than I
When you love somebody
'Til the end of time
When you love somebody
Always on my mind / No on needs you more than I 

Remember to take the time in life to listen carefully to the music that you hear each and everyday.  You will find it amazing how so many of your feelings and experiences can be summed up so easily by the songs you listen to each and everyday.  I have found a new appreciation for the meaning behind the music.  I hope you can slow down enough in your life to really appreciate it as well.  

My parting thought for today is this...

 "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."
Psalm 59:16

 

Ever Changing ....

Ever changing is a great way to say it...  Life is always in full motion and things change from day to day and week to week.  These last few months have been a world-wind of activity for me. Beginning with Michael and me dating and then going to Savannah and then to Tennessee last week and lets not forget my new job.  While at times life might seem dark and there appears to be no light along your journey, you have to allow yourself to have faith in god and he will show you the way.  It's been a very long time since I have been this happy and I know that I'm more than blessed to have all these wonderful things happening in my life.  

I'm thankful for everyone of them, however I'm most thankful to have Michael in my life.   I never thought that I would find someone else who understands me and shares my views and crazy out of control humor.  However when I least expected my guardian angel has sent me this wonderful person.  Its amazing how we have both traveled along similar paths and yet we were able to find each other.  We both have experienced major losses (our partners) in our lives and can appreciate, respect and understand what we have individually been through.  We understand that life is too short and that we must live each day to its fullest.   

I'm honored to have Michael in my life.  I'm also blessed to have each and everyone of you in my life.  Each of you have and continue to play a very important role in my world; for this I'm thankful. 

My parting thought of the day is this...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Savannah Georgia

Savannah Georgia

Its amazing how sometimes you just need to escape it all.  That's exactly what Michael and I did this past weekend (Thursday-Saturday) we just packed up and went.  This is the first real vacation that I've had in nearly 3 years and god knows I needed it.  We spent three wonderful days and two nights just walking, talking, eating and of course drinking.  This was so great to just not worry about anything and to escape from the city.  While I do love living in the city there are times when its just sensory overload and there are no quiet spaces to escape way to.  

The picture featured above was taken while we were out on the second day.  It caught my eye for a number of reasons, however it truly represents the look and feel of the historic district where it was taken. We spent so much time taking pictures of just the oddest things however if you look at my Facebook page you'll have to agree that there are some really awesome pictures.  Of course I had to print a few and hang them in the house.  As you might be aware, I'm so sick of not having anything on the walls and I hate the look and lets face it the cost of most of the art work on the market today.  Given all these reasons, I've taken to hanging my own art/ photographic work and it also has a stronger meaning to me at the same time.  

My thanks to Michael for his support while we were in Savannah it was the 2 year anniversary of Jamie's passing (the last day).  Having Michael with me made the day a lot easier to deal with, however I still miss him so much each day.  You really don't/ can't understand the feeling until you have lost a partner/spouse you loose part of you, each of you together formed a whole person and when you live with someone like I did for nearly 22 years its so hard to loose half of yourself.  You begin to appreciate life for what it has to offer and you learn to let the small stuff just pass you by.  When you find love remember to appreciate what you've been given each and everyday, because you never know when it might be taken away from you. 


Once again its time for me to say goodbye for now.  Here is my parting thought of the moment:


1 Corinthians 13: 4-8       "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.  Loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Its truly amazing...

Its truly amazing how music can really impact our lives.  It seems that no matter where you are in life or what you are going through there is a song that you can connect with at that very moment.  I was driving today and heard this song for the first time in a long time and it really spoke to me about where I'm currently at in life:

Journey - I want to know what love is.....

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again

I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Let's talk about love
(I wanna know what love is) the love that you feel inside
(I want you to show me) I'm feeling so much love
(I wanna feel what love is) no, you just cannot hide
(I know you can show me) yeah, woah-oh-ooh
I wanna know what love is, let's talk about love
(I want you to show me) I wanna feel it too
(I wanna feel what love is) I wanna feel it too
And I know, and I know, I know you can show me
Show me what is real, woah (woah), yeah I know
(I wanna know what love is) hey I wanna know what love
(I want you to show me), I wanna know, I wanna know, want know
(I wanna feel what love is), hey I wanna feel, love
I know you can show me, yeah

I know that my posts can be cryptic at times; however there are some additional people who these might affect and I want to be sensitive to them as well.  I will continue to share with you where I am in life and whats taking place, however for those of you not near in distance you might not make all the necessary connections.  Those that are will understand whats going on.   

Parting thought for today: 

(II Timothy 1:7)  For God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control.

Another day....

Just another day... I think not.  Its been a stressful week.  Work, Friends and such.  I just don't understand whats with everyone this week.  I swear it has something to do with the last full moon.  Everyone is on edge including myself.  My friends all seem to be going through tough times right now and I'm just feeling a little out there too.

Life tends to bring us things whether or not we are ready for them. A great example of ready for it would be that I found my way back to church this week, of course it was because of my friend Michael who introduced me to a church that is actually accepting of who I am and does not tell me that I'm going to burn in hell for things that I do in life.  Instead they focus on the positives in life and how to live your life with god.  I must say that being raised Catholic and finding out later in life that the church was not accepting of my lifestyle was no surprise, however I always was looking for that missing piece.  Now I have found it in a Pentecostal church.  its a great mix of people and its uplifting. My message to the Catholic Church... If you don't believe in me I don't believe in your teachings.   No offense to any of my Catholic friends; its has nothing to do with you, its about a church that lives in the dark and refuses to change.  

I'm very thankful that Michael has come into my life and that he has shared this with me. Michael and I share a common life experience, we both lost our spouses.  This is something that most people just don't understand.  They think they do, however when someone dies that is your partner the pain and emotional state that you're feeling is something that only a person in the same position can fully understand and appreciate.  Support of family and friends is always important but having a friend who has been there makes a world of difference.  Michael lost his partner over seven years ago and I lost mine as you know over two years ago.  The pain might lessen, however it never goes away.  Its something that you learn to live with, sharing your memories along the way and knowing that you're not alone.   I know that he is personally going some really bad times right now, however this too will lessen with time and he will be back to his normal crazy out of control self.

I guess this is a lesson for all of us.  We need to live life everyday and enjoy what we have and appreciate one another because you never know what tomorrow holds for you.  I know that I have grown emotionally and spiritually this year, however I still have a long road to travel.  Traveling this road with my family and friends is the only way that I know I will find the right way in life.  I'm so thankful for all my friends, without whom I would never have made it through the last year.  I'm also thankful for those new friends in my life, like Michael who has shown me that its okay to remember and that I'm not the only person in this position.  That the person who is missing from my life is still part of my life and always will be part it.  I know that if and when I find someone new to share my life with that they too need to understand this fact, because without Jamie's impact I would not be the person I am today.

My friend Jim has a direct way of just telling me to get over it, its time to move on.  He's so correct, its just a lot easier said than done at times.  I really don't know what I would have done without so many great people in my life.  Yeah I tease folks like Jim because they are direct, but I know that they care and that the message is meant with a dose of love and reality sprinkled together.

Okay as usual I have gone on way too much.  So my parting thought of the day is:

Psalms 31:24    "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the lord." 

Beautiful Day...

Yes, its a Beautiful day in Atlanta today and while running around like a madman (which is also normal for me these days) I heard this song by Mary J Blige.  It kind of sums up how I was feeling this morning.

"Beautiful Day"

Tired of living like my days are bad
When I open up my eyes, I'm glad
And I can't complain 'bout yesterday
Cuz today's a brand new day

Comb my hair and though some like it wrong
Jump in my ride because it's on
And I'm gone, I'm gone

[1] - I woke up this morning
Opened up my eyes and prayed, Lord
Cuz it's a beautiful day
No matter what nobody say

Even though it's cloudy
I can see the sun rays
Oh, cuz it's a beautiful day
No matter what nobody say
Cuz it's a beautiful day, a beautiful day

Life just can't get no better than this
Mother Nature's given us a kiss
Cuz tomorrow I'm glad I didn't miss
Let's take advantage of days like this
When the night time does finally hit
There'll be no reason for guns
It'll be fun, fun, fun, fun

[Repeat 1]

Everything is good because I'm living and I'm healthy
I'm not too concerned 'bout being poor or being wealthy
I feel really good about this blessing given to me
Nothing in this world could ever take all my joy from me

It's beautiful, it's beautiful
It's beautiful, it's beautiful
It's beautiful

A beautiful day, a beautiful day
A beautiful day, a beautiful day

[Repeat 1]

I don't have a complain in the world
I am doing so good
Without, without, without the money
Without, without, without the stress
Without, without, without the people, oh yea

My parting thought today is a little different:  

Psalm 138:7
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.

Sharing good times...

Sharing good times with friends is something we should all do. It was my pleasure last weekend to gather our skating family together for an out of rink encounter. We had dinner together at Doc Chey's. It was a great time, we agreed that we would do this monthly and try new places and food along the way. Next month we are going to an Indian Restaurant in the Grayson/Lawernceville area. The following month we are going to go to my friends Deb and Rick's restaurant Joe's in Loganville.

Over the last week my life has had many twists and turns. I found myself in the middle of a break-up of two of my friends. Let me tell ya darlings this is one position that you don't want to be in. Its been hard for me because I care so much about both of them but yet I keep sticking my foot into the swamp. I just can't win in this situation so silence is going to be golden. I just have to let both of them rant on and keep my mouth shut. Do yourself a favor if you're ever in this situation, run like hell and don't look back, otherwise you will sucked into the middle and next thing you know your acting as the middleman or worst yet the pass though for forgotten items (lol). Well given everything that's been going on I'm still very thankful to have two great friends, even though now I can't spend time with them both at the same time.

Things have been going well with work for a change I just have been working what seems to be very long hours, I think its more or less because I've been working all those damn mornings. Sorry but 5 am to 2 pm might sound great but when you get up at 3:30 am its not fun at all. Then there is the fact that I'm not one to get my butt into bed early, its normally at least 10:30 0r later before I head off to sleep land which really does not leave me with much sleep.

School has been crazy, I have week off right now and I'm very thankful for that fact. I made the deans list with a 3.87 GPA which I should be very happy about; but yet I wanted to do better.

I have to admit its been rather strange for me the last few weeks in general. Things are going on in my life that have made me appreciate what I have and really allowed me to be very thankful at the same time. Its funny we tend to live our life's on auto-pilot and not really every stop to smell the roses as the saying goes. Its really amazed me how when you start to view the world either through the eyes of another person or with a more positive out look, how much better it appears to be. Its also very interesting to notice all the small things that you've never notice before.

Well I have a vacation coming up in the first part of April and I'm looking forward to it more than anyone can every image. I just need the down time from work and the world for a few days. I'm not really sure that I'm going to be doing just yet. My dad told me I could go and stay with him in Florida. I really think I just want to go camping in the woods somewhere away from cellphones and TV's for a day or two. Do some hiking and just get back to nature and appreciate what it has to offer.

Well it's time to call it a night. Once again I have rambled on way too much, as my normal sign off let me share with you a quote.


"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

Another Exciting Week...

Did I actually say "Exciting?" Well on some levels I would have to say that it really was exciting.

Monday I was able to catch-up with my Skating Family. It was absolutely wonderful seeing everyone. It was too long since my last visit and I really needed to skate (how I miss doing that every week) and of course lets not forget seeing everyone which is really the main reason I go skating anyhow.

I also went to see one of my friends Deb who unfortunately was not at work as planned due to a family friend passing away. I'm hoping we get a chance in the very near future to get our schedules aligned so that we can meet-up.

I worked as usual and this week, however I had my two days off together. It was nice getting what seemed liked a long weekend. I had lunch with my friend Michael on Friday, we sat and chatted for hours on end. It was nice to talk with someone who has been down the same road as myself. He lost his partner about 7 years ago and it has taken him a lot longer to find himself and be able to move on. I know that everyone always offers an ear to me and all of you are so kind and caring all the time. But spending the time on Friday talking with someone who has been in my situation really helped me to understand that I was not alone (not that I every have been alone, not with so many great friends) but this connection is just different. This is about having someone around that can say that they understand what I have gone through and what I'm still experiencing because they too have lived through it.

For those of you who don't know who Michael is, he is my best friends husband. In my last post I talked about how much they both have supported me since I've moved into the new apartment (that's of course because they live 9 floors up). I love them both so dearly and thank god that I'm blessed to have them in my life. As I do with all my friends, one thing that I have learned over the years is that your friends are one of a kind and each brings something different to your life. Some will make you laugh others will make you mad, but no matter what they say or do they are part of your life and they have a profound affect on you as an individual.

Life provides us with the opportunity to experience so many different things; the major issue is that we as humans are afraid of what we are unsure of and we don't like change. Change is something we all should embrace. I have a very dear friend who embraces change so much; ask him about how much he likes change, well at least the change that involves purchasing a new car(s). Sorry honey, I could not resist you know that I love you more than words.

We need to understand that we have one chance at life and while it does not always seem fair its what we have and we need to embrace it and take it for what its worth. What's its value? The value is that we were given a chance to live and experience what the world around has to offer. Enjoy what you have and make the most of it everyday. We all have good days and we all have bad days, in the end its about what you do with them and how you react to them.

Once again I'm babbling on. So before you start falling asleep, let me leave you with yet another of my favorite quotes:

Life is nothing without friendship.....Marcus Tullius Cicero

Someday....

Today I was listening to my ipod in the car and a song by Rob Thomas played; its called someday. I listen very closely to the lyrics and realized that this song was very apropos for how I'm feeling right now. Allow me to share with you the lyrics:

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

I don’t wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

‘Cuz maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
We’ll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

If you get a chance to listen to it you'll really appreciate it more. I think we all need a song to help guide us or describe who we are at heart. At this very moment this one fits where I'm at in this world. I know that someday soon things will change and I will be better off, its just a matter of time.

I have missed posting and letting my guard down so to speak with everyone, its just been as I have stated before something that I kept bottled up inside and really just hoped would go away. Wrong! It never goes away you just need to learn to deal with it.

Life is currently in the process of tossing me some new challenges, ones that I really think that I might enjoy. But my outlook is sunny and my heart is filled with hope and joy. That is the only thing that I could ask for right now.

Time has a way of passing so quickly, we all need to slow down just a little and enjoy what we have and each other. There is nothing more important in life than the people who share it with us, it our partners, husbands, wife's, children, parents or even our friends. They all play a special role in who we are and what we become.

As I normally do let me leave you with a quote:

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.....Helen Keller

Time has past....

Yes I’m still here and yes it’s been a long time since my last post. I guess that I just needed sometime to allow myself to catch-up with life. I’ve been through a lot over the last year and have not written about any of it because I just wanted to hide. You see I thought I was much stronger than I turned out to be in the long run. I lost the house and just about everything else. I was very lucky to have a great friend who manages a property in the city. He was able to get me into a super apartment which I love. I sold just about everything I could in that house and kept the things that mattered the most to me. I took the memories with me and will never loose those. Around July, when I returned to work is when my nicely spun web just started to fray at the edges. I knew that I would never be able to stay in the house on the salary I was making and came to a realization that deep down I really did not want to either. I ended up filling for chapter 7 and washed everything down the drain. Now I’m not proud of what I had to do, but like millions of other Americans who lost their jobs due to the economic conditions I could no longer make it work.

Just about the same time I was planning for my great escape and the move that would become my new lease on life, I started having major anxiety attacks. Which I have never experienced in my life. You all know me as the person in control over myself and others at times (ha,ha). Needless to say after visiting my doctor I was given some great drugs which have helped. However I have to be honest, I really think that when all this went down I finally faced the fact that Jamie was gone and loosing him just hit home as well. It only took over a year but it was just another part of me that finally let go and started understanding what had happened and what was going to happen next.

On top of all these things going on I went back to school and made my move. Yes I went back to school, I know it seems like just too much to under take considering my state of mind however it has allowed me to really re-focus some of my energy and time. Hershey and I love the new place (in Buckhead of course) and we have great neighbors. The thing I love the most is one of my oldest and dearest friends lives in the building and him and his partner have been a great support for me. I truly love the both of them and I’m very grateful for all that they do. Its a new day for me each and everyday and I still wonder and panic over the littlest things, however its getting better with time. I know that this is not something that will just go away and that I need to work at it. Which I do and will continue to do so everyday.

My social life on the other hand is at best a bad joke. My work schedule is normally screwy so I don’t get to see my skating buddies much anymore, however I’m working on getting that changed. Yes I did say skating, that would be roller skating not ice skating. I love to skate and it allows me to escape from the world for a few hours and just let go and have fun. I’ve dropped down to about 187 pounds and for those of you that know me its going from and 18.5 shirt down to a 15, it had happened over the last 12 months or so and the doctor said its got to do with my anxiety. All I know is that I feel great and look a lot better. Its nice not carrying around all that weight (about 23 pounds less).

I can say that not having my family (mom and dad) so close has been difficult, however I talk to my Mom almost everyday. This has been a blessing and we have grown a lot closer which I never thought we could because we were so close already.

Well I guess that for now this is more than enough chatting. I will be posting more often again as it helps me express how I’m feeling and keeps everyone updated on where I’m hiding. Oh by the way, I’m not hiding anymore and I’m looking forward to seeing everyone over the summer.

Allow me to leave you with one of my favorite quotes…

“Things do not change; we change.” Henry David Thoreau